I'm a geek.

No, no, it's true. But don't cry for me, because I'm fine with it. More than fine, I actually like it.

There's tons of great things about being a geek. Of course, the porn pretty much goes without saying, but I have a real sex life like a normal person. With a woman.

Being a geek doesn't mean you avoid working out, unfortunately, but you can make up for it by clawing your way to the top of the geek hierarchy.

Geeks aren't perfect, though. There's plenty of things we just shouldn't mess with, and our superior skill in logic is compeletely useless in places like a court of law.

So, if you're a geek too, don't be unhappy about it. After all, we get all the best toys.

Cow are fun to play with. If you're an unimaginative Monty Python fan, you can fling them, but there's so much more you can do.

They make great billboards, for example. You should also mock them. You can even drink their milk!

Cows are not without problems, though, and if you decide to keep your own, you're well advised to learn to speak their language. And watch your back.

Maybe you should just stick to store-bought milk.

Isn't it odd that something as tragic as death can be so funny?

Of course, death can be many things. Really gross, for instance. But did you know you can be temporarily killed by doorbells?

Some people try to fake their death only to have it go horribly wrong, but others find themselves passing on in a way that we all envy.

Death can come from unexpected places, so be sure that you never turn your back on your appliances. After all, nobody is immune. And, if you're a cartoon mouse, you might even welcome it. Not that we'd mind too much.

One thing's for sure. Sooner or later, you're going to die. So be sure to start preparing now.

Well, it's been a long time since I've smelled you all. Did you miss me? Too bad, because I'm back!

My kitchen supplied the idea for this installment's topic. Smells.

Smells have many surprising uses. You can use them to brainwash people and to figure out who your relatives are.

You have to be very careful about them, though, as they can get you in a lot of trouble, particularly if you're a complete idiot. And let's face it, who isn't?

There's whole branches of science involved in odor research, usually to try to make things stink less. After all, nobody really wants to smell like sauerkraut. No, we all want to smell nice. Smelling as sweet as a rose is not always a good thing, though. And some odors can threaten your brain.

So, with all the energy put into smells and the like, why is it that, once again, science has completely failed to answer the important questions?

There are lots of different kinds of scientists, but how well do you really understand them?

You probably think they're a bunch of boring, straitlaced fuddy-duddies who do little more than sitting around insulting your family or planning to build cities on the moon.

It's not so. They also sit around naming things and coming up with new ways to drive you insane.

When they're not busy designing airbags for the Earth and overanalyzing lazy summer fun, they're spending their time building insanely accurate clocks and pissing off creationists.

It's not all work, though. They do find time to entertain the kids.

But what I really want to know is, why aren't they solving the important questions?

Pirates are cool.

Of course, our image of pirates is really very different from how they really were, but that's OK. I don't think that today's pirates really care.

To be a great pirate, you have to have a great pirate name. Then, you can get the look right, and you're ready to go, right? Wrong!

You also need the right equipment, and have to learn how to talk the talk. Learning how to slur out a drunken pirate shanty is a skill people will expect from you, too. What, did you think this pirate thing was easy?

I know a lot of you don't take the zombie threat seriously. But you should.

Zombies are dangerous and should be handled by the proper authorities. You don't have the proper knowledge or skills to deal with the threat yourself.

Look, I'm not trying to scare you here, but you need to know.

Sure, you understand that you can't argue with them, and recent computer simulations may have made you feel confident that you understand them, but you don't.

Zombies can affect your life in very surprising ways. Specifically, under no circumstances should you ever have sex with them. (That last link isn't safe for work, but I had to include it to demonstrate the deep evil zombies represent.)

I recommend avoiding all zombie movies, games, and literature, particularly if you're easily suggestable.

In fact, you shouldn't have even read this linkdump. Sorry.

Art is in the eye of the beholder. You might think it's genius, but your neighbor might think it's crap. Is there any way to tell the difference?

Well, people have been making art for a very long time, and yet nobody can ever be sure. It's part of what makes art so great.

Artists say that whatever they do is art, no matter how bizarre. I don't think that they're necessarily wrong, but when you can't tell the difference between art and torture, it does sorta make you wonder. But then, that's part of the purpose.

You can make art, too, and I highly recommend it, for better or worse.

Now, go play.

If you haven't done a crafts project since kindergarten, then you might not be aware of the exciting new developments in the crafts world.

Bucky-boy has good ideas for drinking straws, and there's the age-old broken glass in the street gag.

Paper crafts are still as popular as ever, but this is the 21st century, so let's see what science has to offer, shall we?

Electricity makes for great crafts projects, for instance. I'm sure that you can think of many more.

Be careful, though, if things get out of hand, you might have to take up sewing.

(I felt really bad about not having any flash for you this time. Sorry.)

Coffee is God's own food.

I can say this from personal experience, because I am a coffee addict. If you expect me to be human, do not approach me before coffee.

I know I'm not alone in this. Vikings loved coffee, too. And why not? It cures cancer, so it can't be all bad.

There's more to coffee than meets the eye, of course. Such a wondrous bean is bound to have a few mysteries. So, it's no surprise that it can kill you if you slip up. So watch it.

Anyway, I went all this way to say that although I love coffee, I don't really get religious about it.

Are you a pyromaniac?

Fire is a fascinating thing. Even if you don't take evil joy in its beauty, sooner or later it will affect you. Sometimes in ways you would never have expected.

Naturally, there are people who shouldn't be allowed anywhere near combustable materials, but I'm going to focus on the fun of fire, so forget I mentioned the awful people.

To have fun with fire, first you need to get some and experiment a bit. The results can be spectacular.

With practice, you could even graduate to making your own mag light.

It seems like everybody is boozing it up these days.

That's not necessarily a bad thing, but you have to be aware of the risks and rewards.

Understand that even though science tells us how good drinking is for us, or at the very least, fairly harmless, they don't know everything yet.

Alcohol abuse can still be harmful unless you know what you're doing.

First, be sure to get good alcohol. You Penguinphiles are way ahead of the curve on this, as usual.

Then, be sure to arrange for fun activities while you're drinking. It really can help ease the pain.

After you've had a few, you might get the urge to do some really stupid things.

Resist this at all costs, or you might have to pay a heavy price.

OK, put on your tinfoil hats kiddies, we're going to talk about conspiracies.

Conspiracies are as old as mankind, but we usually only care about modern ones.

They're everywhere, too. Did you know, for example, that whole states, even whole countries, don't exist? You do now.

Brace yourself, because here's a shocker: The moon doesn't exist, either.

Why all these shenanigans? Maybe it's just the ancient battle of the cows vs the aliens spilling out into man's affairs.

Or maybe it's something else.

fnord

So, you're a Star Wars-loving, socially challenged, mentally questionable geek, huh?

Or, you just want to be.

Who can blame you? Geeks know the intimate secrets that stump too many lesser people.

It's not all milk and honey, though. Geeks may know how to keep house, but there's still a lot left that they need to learn.

While they're filling in the blanks, geeks still know how to have fun.

Even when they're old.

God is a potato.

For you unbelievers, he's even leaving signs. So the next time you get a gift from God, don't call the police.

Potatoes are so complicated that you need a supercomputer's help to understand them.

As with all things of great power, they can be used for powerful evil, too. So watch it.

Well, that's it. I hope you all appreciated a post about potatoes that didn't link to a Mr. Potato Head game even once!

Everybody sing!

The net has lots of help for the karaoke-challenged. You could even learn something if you're not careful.

Sometimes though, singing should just be left to the professionals.

Everything about the eyes are cool. Even eyebrows have a certain appeal, but we'll save that for another time.

Eyes are tricky sometimes, so be sure to treat them right and only use their power for good or evil.

Most importantly, be sure not to abuse them in the fashion that seems so popular on the web nowadays.

If you aren't careful, you could end up like this.

No, not that kind of gnome. Nor even these freaks.

I'm talking about that race of beings we routinely put into slavery in gardens all around the world. The garden gnome.

Although gnomes can sometimes be a bit of a pain in the ass, let's face it, they can be a ton of fun.

I'm getting nervous, though. weird things are happening. Maybe we should start to treat the gnomes with a little more respect.

Or maybe just stick to those faeries.

Once you've visited Coolio's and checked out the news, then what's left to fend of the horrible, creeping boredom?

It's instructive to see how other people deal with boredom.

Some have invented new tech, others hire overworked musicians to produce their songs.

A handful of geniuses take boredom to new extremes.

But what can you do? Well, you could read great poetry, but what about getting a little crafty?

Let's see... lava lamps are always cool, and so is making working square wheels.

Whatever you do, though, leave that radiation to the experts.

This one is for all you suckers parents.

As a dad myself, I can tell you that between keeping your kid from becoming a criminal, mopping up oceans of piss, and constantly preventing fun, parenting is a lot of hard work. Err, I mean it teaches you a lot as well as being deeply rewarding.

Some parents crack right from the start, and others find ways to cope.

Some even love it so much, they want to parent the whole world.

Well, somebody needs to do it. Now, go clean your room.

Some of you have mentioned the distinct lack of porn in my postings. You're right, and it's time to make up for it.

Porn rocks. People like all kinds of porn.

Some people people prefer to make their own, and others treat it as nothing but a game, but in the end, it's all the same.

The internet, of course, changed everything. When I was a kid, all we had was paper porn. Today, everything is just too easy.

Just looking isn't even good enough anymore. Everybody wants in on the act now. Someday, maybe we'll even have a porn star senator.

Ok, kiddies, today's lesson is on a deceptively common construction material, cement..

You can do amazing things with cement. Some people like to use the cement things made by other people, but other people like to make things themselves.

You can use cement for a lot of things you might not have thought of, like preventing computer theft.

The funniest use of cement, though seems to involve revenge. Rubber cement comes in handy when decorating your ex-boyfriend's car, of course, but so long as you have a a car to abuse, why not go all the way?

Being hard is one of the defining characteristics of cement, so it's probably no surprise that it can help you with that little problem, too.

Everybody likes dancing!

Most people like to do it. Dancers come in all shapes and sizes, from geeks to goths.

If you don't know how to dance, there's plenty of places to learn.

Once you've learned the proper technique, you can dance with supermodels even if you're a poor, ugly loser.

Maybe you just prefer the intellectual challenge of watching, though. That's fine, too. Your local librarian might be able to help you out.

In this big crazy world, It's really hard to keep your sanity sometimes. There is help, but really, who needs it?

Sanity is overrated anyway. In a world where high school proms can be invaded by pimps & hoes and everyone can keep a straight face, insanity is the only sane response.

You Linux nutballs may be able to drown your sorrows in your freaky games, but not everyone is that evil. They have to content themselves with "educational" entertainment, such as the news.

What's the alternative? Oh, I guess sitting around making disgusting noises and spanking your monkey is better? What? It's good for the prostate?

Oh, well, then I guess I've found my new hobby! I'm off to see Coolio's babes now. Don't wait up.

P.S. I was John Fenderson, now I'm BBC, but inside, I'm still just as crazy!